Time of change

It has been a long time since I have written.  Much change, much busy-ness.  I have been facing my own mortality as well as that of my beloved.  I have been reflecting on where I have been and where I have yet to go.  Perhaps menopause is a gift in that way, since my body gives me the cues that a part of my life is ending, preparing me for clearing out the old, grieving what is lost and reaching for what I still long for.  It seems grief is a friend to me these days, sitting next to me as if invited in to share a cup of tea.  Sometimes I would rather shoo her out, though most days I invite her to stay and just be with me.  It seems old dysfunction I thought I had left behind yet pushes through my willful defenses to go away.  Control, fear, insecurity.... show up by surprise and flow out upon my words like unwelcome dark strangers.  I accept this as awful opportunity and I  seek to look at all in the light of day, the light of the holy which continues to fill and surround me with the good news of rebirth and saving grace.  My intent is to write more music and connect it to this blog.  A singing blog.  I need some guidance on technology on how to make it happen.  Blessings to you, wherever you are in your day.  Kathryn

Rebirth

I have the day off - hallelujah!  It is much needed.  I am reminded of a story of a group of white explorers traveling with a small group of native people in the wilderness of Africa.  The white people wondered with irritation why the group of native men kept stopping and sitting for no apparent reason while there was much territory to cover.  When asked, the native men replied that they were waiting for their spirits to catch up.
Today I walked up the hilly, still bare woods near my home.  I sat down upon the earth and heard the birds singing with such zest and energy.  My face turned to the sun and I found myself laying upon the soft ground.  I was waiting for my spirit to catch up.  My whole body sunk down.  I realized how desperately I needed to do this.  Somehow I have become part of the frantic pace that I vowed I would never succumb to.  Work, caring for the home, a car breakdown, spring sports, spring sports, and more spring sports have turned me into one of those poor frenetic mothers I used to pity.  How essential  to pull away to a quiet place as Jesus did, to center, to slow, to pray, to receive the energy of the Spirit.  I could feel the temptation to get up before I was ready, my mind already racing ahead to my tasks for the day awaiting me.  I felt sad I could not allow myself this simple, brief luxury and necessity of spirit.  Then I pulled myself back to the sun, the warmth, the birds.  I heard a thrush sing, the first of the spring.  My soul felt peace and I wanted to share this moment with each of you and encourage you to take care of your soul today in some great or small way.  It is what we all need.   Blessings,  Kathryn

Transformation, a long and winding road

I pray that my writing will be a blessing to someone.   I continue to work to live in to the present moment.  Earlier in the week I said my morning prayers and wrote in my journal and had determination to look to God each moment in my day.  Less than an hour later, both my daughter and I were in tears after a painful interchange.  I realized that I can have the best of intentions but unless I continually open myself to God and am praying through every interchange, I flounder.  It was not enough to be centered and pray at the beginning of my day, though I am sure that helped.   I need to carry my intention, and breathe God into every situation, every word, every action in my day.
I also discovered that I am very hard on myself if I feel like I failed to love someone as I am called.  I spiral into a cave of sadness, heaviness, darkness.  While there, I found myself comforting myself...."It's okay....it's okay....you are loved."  It was my own voice, but truly the voice of God, like a mother soothing her crying child.   This love soaked into me, and I felt better.
I would like to be transformed beyond my reactionary nature, but while God is working on me, live into forgiveness and acceptance of myself.  Transformation of the world starts with me.

Embracing my stressful situation

I can tell I am moving closer to surrender.  I have begun journaling again and am amazed by the amount of negative baggage in my thinking:  anger, fear, fear and more fear.  Just by writing it, claiming it, getting it on paper and outside of me has shifted my inner world.  Embracing my inner truth moves me closer to letting go of that which is keeping me blocked.  Awareness.  So important.  Naming.  So important.  Then surrender.  I believe more firmly that I am in this place of fear and feeling backed into a corner for my own growth.  How else could I get past it?  How else could I grow.  I want to bless it, though am not fully in that space yet.  But I bless it anyway.  And ask God to show me what I need, to grow me through my own barriers, to open a path for me.  Thank you for this dark time.  Thank you for my deep need of you and your saving power.  Thank you for helping me to trust in you alone, and not in my check book balance or my control of my universe.  Thank you.  I am standing on the edge, waiting to fly.  I am fledging!

Sharing Wonder

We had a wonderful Christmas break.  Despite the fact that 3 of the 4 of our family were sick with stomach flu then influenza.   What was wonderful was slowing down, playing, being together.... much needed time in our busy, busy, busy!!! world.  My desire was to foster wonder in my kids over the holiday.   We did this in several ways.  Ofcourse our tree with lights and decorations inspires wonder, as well as the many delicious foods we made together - gingerbread people, savory meat pies, cream filled cupcakes.   In our family we have told the story of St. Nicolas and what he did for people in need.  We carry on the tradition with a secret santa operation which involves secrecy under the cloak of darkness, crawling on our bellies through the snow and lots of frantic running.  It is very exciting for all of us, especially the kids.  We also decorate a tree in the forest for the animals with peanut butter dipped pine cones rolled in bird seed.   When I see my children's faces filled with pure joy and excitement, I give thanks that we are honoring traditions which fill them with wonder.  We are like the magi coming to the stable to see the babe, caught by surprise at the joy of God.

It is the simple things which return to me which bring meaning to our lives.  So much distracts us, fills us with noise, consumes our thinking.  I mourn today as we go back to the routine of school and all of the activities which demand our family time.  I will continue to fight to make time for us to be together, to play a game, to turn off the electronics and be together.  Our culture does not value family togetherness, but I do, because I know how rich our loved ones make our lives.

Feeling shame in my fall

Yesterday I hurt my daughter deeply by betraying her trust.  She asked me not to contact someone about an issue and I did, though anonymously.  I told her and she wept, saying she would never confide in me again.  At first, I tried to explain myself, in a feeble attempt to justify what I did.  Then I apologized, and I wept.   As I sat with my feelings, I felt so terribly sad and horrid for hurting someone I love.  I also felt deep shame.  Shame is my plague when I face my own failure.  As I  pondered why I felt so badly, I found myself listening to my own internal voice of comfort saying, "It's okay.  You are okay". I opened myself to God and to my own acceptance.  I felt no better initially, but gradually God's penetrating light beamed even into my dark interior of shame and grief.  I love the quote from scripture, "Grief may linger in the evening, but joy comes in the morning."  It is so true.  When I awoke, I felt that the healing balm of God had begun to seep into my heart, though I still did not feel fully restored.  Healing and forgiveness take time, and I am willing to wait.  I know the morning always comes, and I believe God's love always restores.

A Fire in the Hearth

Today is the first snow.   A fire is dancing in our wood stove in the corner of our log cabin.  I feel warm and safe as I watch the snow falling down out the window.  Like a kid, I always feel excited for the first snow.  It thrills me.  Perhaps it is the change which I find exciting.  My prayer today is to be open to what today holds.  If I can be open to each moment with grace today, I will have lived.  I find myself slipping into unconscious reactions with my kids, with my husband, with others too quickly.  Help me to be open to your spirit today, God.  May I live with the excitement, wonder and openness of a child.