Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Feeling shame in my fall

Yesterday I hurt my daughter deeply by betraying her trust.  She asked me not to contact someone about an issue and I did, though anonymously.  I told her and she wept, saying she would never confide in me again.  At first, I tried to explain myself, in a feeble attempt to justify what I did.  Then I apologized, and I wept.   As I sat with my feelings, I felt so terribly sad and horrid for hurting someone I love.  I also felt deep shame.  Shame is my plague when I face my own failure.  As I  pondered why I felt so badly, I found myself listening to my own internal voice of comfort saying, "It's okay.  You are okay". I opened myself to God and to my own acceptance.  I felt no better initially, but gradually God's penetrating light beamed even into my dark interior of shame and grief.  I love the quote from scripture, "Grief may linger in the evening, but joy comes in the morning."  It is so true.  When I awoke, I felt that the healing balm of God had begun to seep into my heart, though I still did not feel fully restored.  Healing and forgiveness take time, and I am willing to wait.  I know the morning always comes, and I believe God's love always restores.

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