Transformation, a long and winding road

I pray that my writing will be a blessing to someone.   I continue to work to live in to the present moment.  Earlier in the week I said my morning prayers and wrote in my journal and had determination to look to God each moment in my day.  Less than an hour later, both my daughter and I were in tears after a painful interchange.  I realized that I can have the best of intentions but unless I continually open myself to God and am praying through every interchange, I flounder.  It was not enough to be centered and pray at the beginning of my day, though I am sure that helped.   I need to carry my intention, and breathe God into every situation, every word, every action in my day.
I also discovered that I am very hard on myself if I feel like I failed to love someone as I am called.  I spiral into a cave of sadness, heaviness, darkness.  While there, I found myself comforting myself...."It's okay....it's okay....you are loved."  It was my own voice, but truly the voice of God, like a mother soothing her crying child.   This love soaked into me, and I felt better.
I would like to be transformed beyond my reactionary nature, but while God is working on me, live into forgiveness and acceptance of myself.  Transformation of the world starts with me.

Embracing my stressful situation

I can tell I am moving closer to surrender.  I have begun journaling again and am amazed by the amount of negative baggage in my thinking:  anger, fear, fear and more fear.  Just by writing it, claiming it, getting it on paper and outside of me has shifted my inner world.  Embracing my inner truth moves me closer to letting go of that which is keeping me blocked.  Awareness.  So important.  Naming.  So important.  Then surrender.  I believe more firmly that I am in this place of fear and feeling backed into a corner for my own growth.  How else could I get past it?  How else could I grow.  I want to bless it, though am not fully in that space yet.  But I bless it anyway.  And ask God to show me what I need, to grow me through my own barriers, to open a path for me.  Thank you for this dark time.  Thank you for my deep need of you and your saving power.  Thank you for helping me to trust in you alone, and not in my check book balance or my control of my universe.  Thank you.  I am standing on the edge, waiting to fly.  I am fledging!

Sharing Wonder

We had a wonderful Christmas break.  Despite the fact that 3 of the 4 of our family were sick with stomach flu then influenza.   What was wonderful was slowing down, playing, being together.... much needed time in our busy, busy, busy!!! world.  My desire was to foster wonder in my kids over the holiday.   We did this in several ways.  Ofcourse our tree with lights and decorations inspires wonder, as well as the many delicious foods we made together - gingerbread people, savory meat pies, cream filled cupcakes.   In our family we have told the story of St. Nicolas and what he did for people in need.  We carry on the tradition with a secret santa operation which involves secrecy under the cloak of darkness, crawling on our bellies through the snow and lots of frantic running.  It is very exciting for all of us, especially the kids.  We also decorate a tree in the forest for the animals with peanut butter dipped pine cones rolled in bird seed.   When I see my children's faces filled with pure joy and excitement, I give thanks that we are honoring traditions which fill them with wonder.  We are like the magi coming to the stable to see the babe, caught by surprise at the joy of God.

It is the simple things which return to me which bring meaning to our lives.  So much distracts us, fills us with noise, consumes our thinking.  I mourn today as we go back to the routine of school and all of the activities which demand our family time.  I will continue to fight to make time for us to be together, to play a game, to turn off the electronics and be together.  Our culture does not value family togetherness, but I do, because I know how rich our loved ones make our lives.