Feeling shame in my fall

Yesterday I hurt my daughter deeply by betraying her trust.  She asked me not to contact someone about an issue and I did, though anonymously.  I told her and she wept, saying she would never confide in me again.  At first, I tried to explain myself, in a feeble attempt to justify what I did.  Then I apologized, and I wept.   As I sat with my feelings, I felt so terribly sad and horrid for hurting someone I love.  I also felt deep shame.  Shame is my plague when I face my own failure.  As I  pondered why I felt so badly, I found myself listening to my own internal voice of comfort saying, "It's okay.  You are okay". I opened myself to God and to my own acceptance.  I felt no better initially, but gradually God's penetrating light beamed even into my dark interior of shame and grief.  I love the quote from scripture, "Grief may linger in the evening, but joy comes in the morning."  It is so true.  When I awoke, I felt that the healing balm of God had begun to seep into my heart, though I still did not feel fully restored.  Healing and forgiveness take time, and I am willing to wait.  I know the morning always comes, and I believe God's love always restores.

A Fire in the Hearth

Today is the first snow.   A fire is dancing in our wood stove in the corner of our log cabin.  I feel warm and safe as I watch the snow falling down out the window.  Like a kid, I always feel excited for the first snow.  It thrills me.  Perhaps it is the change which I find exciting.  My prayer today is to be open to what today holds.  If I can be open to each moment with grace today, I will have lived.  I find myself slipping into unconscious reactions with my kids, with my husband, with others too quickly.  Help me to be open to your spirit today, God.  May I live with the excitement, wonder and openness of a child.

Joy despite...

As I was driving to school the other day, I pulled up beside a mom who always has a smile upon her face.  She drives a beautiful car, has beautiful kids, has a rich and successful husband and does not work outside of her home.  Admittedly, I felt envious for a fleeting moment.  Then I thought, if I had all those things (I do have the beautiful kids!), I would always have a smile on my face also.  Life would be so easy.  Obviously, there may be much more to this woman's story than meets the eye.  Everyone has their struggles.  But somehow it dawned on me that I would not be stretched to grow if I was given an easy path.  I would not have to struggle daily to trust God for one thing.  The place God has me right now is total dependence on God for every little thing.  I can take nothing for granted.  It is much harder to put a smile on my face when I don't know how we are going to pay our mortgage this month, or what we will do for our retirement (savings = 0).   I need and desire to learn joy despite my challenging circumstances.  This is true joy.  This is true freedom.  Each and every day of my life of strain, trial and struggle is an opportunity to look to my Maker, to surrender, to trust.  How much more blessed I will be if I learn this lesson in the midst of darkness, as opposed to when things are sailing.  Joy despite... that is my prayer for today.

Blog is finsished

To lay on the earth

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To lay down on the earth 

Today I took a bike ride through the woods.  The birds were singing.  The sun warming me.  About half way through, I got off and found a mossy spot.  I lay down upon the earth.  After a moment, I could feel my body beginning to slow down.  I took off my helmet so I could feel the moss under my head.  A while back I had made a commitment to lay upon the earth every day, but over time, my commitment waned.  Today, my spirit and body become one with a far more beautiful song and rhythm to the one I've been buzzing around to.  The song and rhythm of the earth.  The feeling was almost immediate and very tangible.  I longed for each person I know to be able to join me for a silent moment.  My children, especially my eldest would think mom is being very weird.  But I longed for them to lay upon the earth to settle their spirits as well and let all of the crazy busy aspects of our lives soak into the earth and feel free and light.  I am going to try to lay on the earth each day, as well as make music.  Care to join me under your own favorite tree?

Sunday

Today is Sunday.  I made that pesto on Friday and it was wonderful.  I froze some in baggies and I saved some for dinner.  I made grilled turkey tenderloin, cheese and pesto tortillas.  They were fabulous.  After cleaning out the freezer, I found some pumpkin.  The aroma of pumpkin pie is filling the air as I write.  I have a turkey to bake and will create some low fat whole wheat  biscuits to serve up with gravy and turkey.   I have some lettuce still in the garden and have some homemade cucumber dressing in the fridge.  I love Sunday.  Faith is the focal point of my life, though today I have my sabboth at home, not in any church.  We are slowing down, resting, playing football in the yard and baking a Sunday dinner.  I watch my girls laugh and run as the first hail beats down on their heads.  I give thanks.  This is my holy day.  Thank you God for a slow Sunday with family.

Slowing down and giving thanks

Today I get to slow down.  Ahhh...  I went for a run with my dog Sundance.  I will hang out laundry to dry above my woodstove.  I will make pesto to put on pizza or sandwiches from my basil flowerpot in the backyard.  I breathe deeply.  As school begins I get more time to myself which is a blessing.  My daughters are very busy with school, so I make effort to enjoy and give thanks for every moment shared together.  I consciously look into the eyes of my child and listen to her ramblings about this or that real or imagined happening.  When I am at the hospital with patients, I hear how quickly life passes.  Is it possible to embrace every moment, knowing there are only so many times I can kiss my kids, tell my husband I love him, enjoy an apple from the orchard, breathe in the fresh scent of air?  I want to live fully.  I want to give thanks for every person and instance in my life - those which are light and lovely, and those that are more dark and challenging.
Tonight is Friday night.  We will celebrate with a special dinner of grilled turkey and homemade pesto sandwiches and watch television (a rare treat for our family).  We will slow down together and enjoy the open spaces.  We all need time to be, to pause from our frantic busy-ness.  To gather in to ourselves and find center.  My prayer for you is that you have time to slow down today as well.  To connect with your loved ones, your self, and God.  Blessings,  Kathryn

Finding center

I am trying to find my quiet center in the midst of learning to be savvy in this world of technology.  I find that after several hours of computer I am left feeling frazzled, out of center and agitated.  I call myself back.  I breathe deeply.  I try to detangle myself from the web of words, images and computer connections and connect with my true self and with my Maker.  Does anyone else feel this way?  I fear that my many connections through computer are important but lacking in true meaning and depth.  I turn back to the people around me today.  I gaze into the eyes of my child.  I listen.  My harp beckons to me in the corner of my living room.  I must play to find my spirit.

Rainy day peace

Today the rain falls gently down.  I spent the morning cleaning and cleansing.  Scaling down is a continuous prayerful activity for me.  Getting rid of things that we do not use or need, passing them on to someone else.  Keeping the house orderly and simple helps me to maintain an inner simplicity also.  The rain was my music background, soothing me, inviting me to stop and listen, to smell.  It was lovely.  After several hours of work and a satisfied spirit, I ran in the rain with my dog Sundance.  A simple day. A lovely day.

Sacred last days of summer

Today is Labor Day.  Our family is working outdoors together.  Our garden is producing an abundance of cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, broccoli, onions.  Kids love gardens and especially the harvest.  They arrived with baskets laden, dirt on hands, and smiles of accomplishment.  I realized that to share in a task together is a gift.  Tasks on the land are the most fun as a family.   We have focused much on sacred play this summer which has been a great blessing.  But work together is also sacred time.  How ironic to be working together on labor day, but it is a great gift.  It slows us down, brings us together and into the sacred rhythm of the land.  The sun shines, the crickets sing, the dog barks at a toad.  I celebrate this last day of sweet summer together before the rhythm of life becomes busy with school, sports and play.  May we all commit to time for sacred play and sacred family work as fall approaches.  Blessings! 

Celebrate

Today I celebrate the completion of my first video.  "I'm a Michigan Kid".  What a blessing to live in this beautiful land!  Check it out on my website.  Blessings, Kathryn